monday - 31/7/06

// feeling :: cold
// prayer for :: Shumei's parents to understand her faith

Today's a long day. Lolz I was complimented by Ms Thio..There is this National Day event..That everyone has to paint two small flags with regards to National Day. We were given one month but I only had 2 weeks to do 2 flags..Thank God I thought of 2 designs fast enough and finished one flag in half-hour for each week..lolz and they turned out very nice..

Anyway tomorrow I have rehearsal for our sch's Founder's Day..I'm gonna miss art..I duno wad Mdm Lim would do =(

I asked Aaron n Gab to go with me and W271 for FOP..Gab is confirmed going liaos, and Aaron is 90% confirmed going lolz. I'm looking forward to praising the Lord with them!

I missed church like crazy today. I kept talking to God wherever I went lolz..On the bus..During art..In class. I duno, it felt as if I made a new friend lolz. I was talking to Him like I would to a real friend. Yay cant wait for FOP ~

I'm gettin a sore throat soon bleh..But nvm God will heal me..haha

sunday - 30/7/06

// feeling :: church-over blues =(
// prayer for :: Meiling's operation on Tuesday

Hmmz..Today I persuaded Gab to go for the manifestation service. It was . . . really great..She missed her FCBC service cuz we really wanted her to stay for the second ALTER call..I felt tt it would apply to her. With credit to Mike and Lamb for correcting me =.=

In the end, it did. She responded to the alter call. I felt happy and angry at the same time. I was angry that she had to be bounded by that sin. That both of us had to be "controlled" by it. I was crying for her..juz praying tt God will release her from it. Belle was there..She hugged me..She prayed for me.

Then I knelt down n juz kept praying..I didnt speak in tongues or what..I juz spoke in english. But as I prayed and prayed, the anger died away, and what overtook it was happiness and rejoice. Cuz she made the decision to be released from it.

Now I know why this manifestation thing is here. I used to think that God purposely gave us problems so that when events like these came, we would respond and grow closer to God. Then I realised, God doesnt work with the devil.

He doesnt make us sin to repent and grow closer to Him. He tries to stop us from sinning, but when we do, He makes the BEST out of it, and changes our misfortune into a stepping stone, not a stumbling block.

Today was the first time I knelt before God. I realised that I love Him so much. That I just want to stay in His presence in church forever and ever. I could live there.

But I juz wanna thank Him for Belle, Mike, Lamb.. They are my family in Christ. Belle is there everytime I encountered a problem and when I had good news to share. Mike is always there to pray for me and restore my faith whenever things go wrong. Lamb is always there to protect me and to be a listening ear. People like these you cant find on the streets. They gotta come from God.

My mom asked me to share my manifestation experience with her in the presence of my dad. I said I didnt vomit or what.. Then my dad came over n said he didnt believe manifestation is like that; not as "violent" as that. But no..I wanted to retaliate him. Wanted to tell him that my church is different from his.

The Bible talks about Jesus expelling demons; and demons resisting Him. I dont think my dad likes my church. But that doesnt give him a reason to doubt its credibility..


HALLELUJAH GAB SPOKE IN TONGUE AFTER WANTING IT FOR SO LONG! And she responded to God too =)

saturday - 29/7/06

I came home feeling uplifted...I was glad when I saw that Gab was still awake cuz I wanted to share what happened with someone. One look from her totally killed my mood.

Anyway, today Rev. Mike Connell came. I was afraid of him la, I admit. I shut off when he was preaching. Somehow I just didnt like him at all.

But anyway Shumei and Yisheng came (praise the Lord)! It was a fantastic time la cuz it was the first time Shumei was at CHC service. Ya I hope that the service did something for her cuz she seemed a little distracted . . .

They left early..After the sermon. They couldnt stay for the manifestation.

Many of us responded to the outer call from Rev. Connell. Mike, Ken, Belle and I...I duno if Meiling or anyone else went.

Yar anyway I didnt wanna go down la..Cuz I was really scared of wad was gonna happen. But Belle and Meiling almost dragged me down there. Belle went to receive healing too ~

I took a long time la..Belle was faster than me..I juz couldnt bring myself to say out my sin cuz I was really ashamed of it. Like I was totally unclean, not worth to say anything about it. But by God's grace my counsellor didnt give up on me and kept praying for me until she got a rough idea what my sin was about.

Didnt knw what the heck I was doing..I heard tt Mike hit other people and slapped himself..Lolz so thats how violent manifestation is..

But now I am a new creation in Jesus Christ. I finally understand what it is to forgive those who trespassed against me. I used to think that "once I've sinned, always I've sinned". I know, its a crappy and totally wrong mentality. U know..Like once unclean, always unclean.

But I forgot one thing..I'm bought over by Jesus. So no matter what I've done, once I've repented, forgiven myself and my trespasser, God will also forgive. And He'll forget it too. There wun be a record of that sin.

You wont believe how free I felt after everything. It was excellent. So many people responded to the outer call, and so many walked out of Hall 8 saved. Truly, Jesus is amazing. Jesus is so real to me, and believe to other people too.

My sister is next to me complaining about her quarrel with Cailing with another friend. All the vulgarities and slamming of stuff on the tables; speaking loudly; totally disregarding my presence and shutting God out.

Sigh I really wanna save her haiz but she knows tt its a sin juz tt she doesnt wanna repent nw cuz she thinks those stuff wun last and when they fade away, God will still forgive her.

God will la, but its a wrong mentality la..Den wad..We juz keep sinning cuz in the end God will still forgive us? I'm not surprised if its rejected.

I'm totally irritated by her. Giving lousy attitudes when I talk about God, showing disrespect and lying in the name of the Lord. I'm really . . . I duno how she become liddat la..Is it really because of Cailing. I dun think so. I think its juz her herself. One day, if her attitude problem continues, I wont be surprised if she's left alone. By then, its too late and no one would bother bout her. IF she still doesnt turn to God now.

What I'm feeling is the anguish of a sister. I cant even begin to imagine what God's feeling right now.

Is He crying?..

friday - 28/7/06

I came home feeling discouraged and helpless. People reading this who've been to today's cell meeting must be confused why. I'm gonna talk about the meeting later..

Well I sms-ed Sheng la..And like..He would ask me a few questions about how I've been; we would exchange a few sms-es or what before he would say he had to go. I have this sinking feeling that its because he doesnt want me to ask him to go to church.

Maybe he's different from me. I gotta understand that. Not everyone is like me...Proud of Jesus and so on fire. Sigh I really duno what to do. I feel compelled to ask him for service and cell but it is always jeopardized by satan.

I see what satan's trying to do but Sheng doesnt. He thinks I'm thinking too much. That everything I talk about is associated with Jesus in one way or another. Its not like I'm trying to harm him with the Word. If anything, it helps him loads in one way or another.

Belle, Mike, Lamb, pls help me pray for him. This time is rough for new believers like him.


I had a rough time this morning. When I knew that cell was going to use my house for meeting, I had to rush home to get everything done by 1830. So that meant I had to leave art early. The funny thing was, Mdm Lim reacted especially strongly today. She scolded me like never before.

It wasnt the first time I left early for christian reasons but this is the time when she scolded me the most. I guess it was a test la..And I didnt like the fact that Gab and Shumei used that as an excuse to get out of art too.

Everything went pleasingly well, except for the fact that it rained while we were walking to my place. But thank God that was the worst.

There was this special time la..That Sis Cat wanted to show us what was gonna happen tomorrow with Rev. Mike Connell.. She had this session of identifying people's helplessness and surrender to this particular sin. She would pray for you and drive the unclean spirit from you.

I was looking down la, when she was looking for someone to pray for. I really hoped that she wouldnt pick me. For some reason I just didnt want my weaknesses to be shown to everyone. It was a first-time experience for me. You wouldnt believe the fear I had when I was standin there looking at her.

What she said..struck me cuz she saw right through me. I didnt knw whether to be scared or thankful someone here understands me without me having to say it out. All in all..It was great. After so long..I'm finally released from the past. From those moments and those thoughts.

I'm not afraid of any trials that may come my way. I'm going to go through this week and this life in a great way, knowing that God is the Way, the Truth and the Life. He'll bring me through any dark valley of life..Because they are only TEMPORARY.

I AM A NEW CREATION IN CHRIST JESUS.

thursday - 27/7/06

The Festival of Praise is coming ~!

Its amazing. Just yesterday I told Gab my wish. I hoped that one day, we would all praise and worship in the house of the Lord together...And...Today Nyuk told me FOP was comin up..I quickly asked them to go, and they agreed...God is amazing. It was just yesterday that I told someone about it. I didnt even pray..hahaz..God truly is a wonderful God.

I cant wait for FOP..Its gonna be great..I cant wait for Saturday either. I'm raring to get back into the house of the Lord!! Lolz..

I'm so financially strained now. There was never a week that I managed to live within my allowance. But God has been faithful and He has been seeing to my needs and providing in abundance.

I tried talking to Sheng about Him and church and everything. I feel so discouraged. I'm not content with just knowing that I've tried. I wanna do smth for Him..Feel so . . . haiz like I'm receivin all the blessings and love without givin Him anyth in return.

Someone..Teach me how to give my all to Jesus. Sigh maybe I am too young or what to know how to commit totally to Him. Well..One day..I believe He'll help me give Him my all. Cuz I too want His all.

tuesday - 25/06

I went for an impromtu dinner with Gab today. I was feelin like eating Ban Mian at my hse coffeeshop there, so we stopped to eat. Lol ~~ really fun. It was the first time we ever did something like that. Never ate together outside of school before. As in, us only..

I was at first quite reluctant cuz I gotta see myself through 3 more days of this week. I dont wanna keep askin my parents for extra money. Sigh I need new bag lar.

Sianz. Lolz my sister saw my previous post..asked who was it..When I told her..she almost scold me..hahaz. Its true wad..lamez..

I feel like changing myself. You know, start talking different, start being this whole other person. I find that...its easier to let stuff go that way. But of cos..I wun la..There will be things..that I wont be able to let go of. hahax..

YOUR GREATNESS HAS NO BOUNDARIES. MY HEART IS FILLED WITH PRAISE~!


Doesnt anyone believe in updating ?!?!

tuesday - 25/7/06

I AM OFFICIALLY IN LOVE. WAHAHAHA.

tuesday - 25/7/06

I'm in the school library. Sigh. I have art later, and briefing in ten minutes time. Sucks..I feel like going home to just stone or something.

Ers..I spent quite a lot of time in class today thinking about last night. Felt so sian the other day.

Lol all I will ever need is God. Thats all..And the great thing is that..He is here.

monday - 24/7/06

*This is truly the last time I'm ever going to talk about this..I just need to get this off my chest*

I'm still waiting for bam to happen in my life. But in these few days, because of what I have to do, we are drifting away. He's not looking my way anymore, so he cant see me waving to him. I cant do anything to swim to him either.

I know this is hopeless. I'm almost convinced nothing's ever gonna happen again. This is totally the wrong time. God gave me this failure. The only solution He's given me is to understand. Thats all I'm ALLOWED to do. Thats all.

*****, I still love you. I've never thought of stopping loving you. But you dont feel that way. I get it. I understand everything from your blog. It's written as clear as crystal. It was an alarm clock to me. The most painful alarm clock ever invented.

I'm just going to love you as a sister from where I am. And I'm praying for you. Pray for your faith; pray for your life; studies; walk with God..

Above all. I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams. And faith gives you the courage, do dare to do great things. I'm here for you whatever this life brings. And let my love give you roots. And help you find....your wings.... <3

monday - 24/7/06

Today..I felt many things: tired, anger, jealousy, frustration, irritation, shock, gratefulness, heartbroken, anguish, hurt, confusion...

I am..seriously starting to hate soccer..

eh llits sevol reh..dna i llits evol mih..

sunday - 23/7/06

I made the decision to go to this morning to second service. It was great. I dont regret it at all. It was only a vast few from the cell: Joel, Joel's mother, Meiling, Meijuan, Alissa and I. We all just praised and worshipped and praised and worship. Then it was the second lesson of the Marriage thing. Lol..I spent the whole time..thinking about him..hais.

Hmm. After that Dejin, Lamb, Gwendoline, Rina and I went together to Suntec to meet Belle and Mike. Hee den Rina, Lamb, Mike and I played WorldCombat..Its super fun la..And surprisingly the girls outlasted the guys wahahaha [or maybe the guys were being chivalrous, protecting the girls first? hahahah]. But I anyhow play one..I duno how to play.

Heez den play Jurassic Park with Rina..Fun la..But we died real quick cuz we only had one credit..

I just had a prayer conference with Shumei and Alex, her boyfriend. We wanted to pray for her. Ya, so Alex and I prayed in tongues first, then I prayed for Shumei and their relationship, after which Shumei prayed for Alex and I. It was a wonderful thing la, because she has finally known Jesus, and she's learning how to pray..She is alr more sensible than some all-life Christians.

I gotta sleep soon ~ Sigh, I gotta be prepared for some hard gruelling tmr in school. Loads of tests and tons of homework! Help ~

Next week..Mike Connell is coming. I have to admit I'm afraid of him la, because he is famous for casting out demons and evil spirits from people. His power from God is so . . . significant, so great, that demons flee from him. Its erms, comforting, but disturbing at the same time. However I'm sure Saturday's service will be a great service. Just like every other.

sunday - 23/7/06

saturday - 22/7/06

On fire. FOR HIM.

I went to church with a troubled mind..I wasnt ready for God yet. I was confused, of what was right. I really didnt know what to do.

I went to cell at Tampines with part of W229. And, um, I have found the answer I was searching for in the last fortnight. I finally understand. I realised that actually, God had the answer, and He was gonna tell me, but He knew that if He told me the first time I asked Him, I couldnt be calm enough, mature enough to understand it.

But now I do la, and yeah, it was what Mike said..It was nothing but a test for me. To see how I would handle failure after a breakthrough. And I shamefully admit that I had failed the test miserably. But I knw that God wun give up on me and He will make sure I will pass it the next time round.

During the sermon about making marriage work from Pst Kong, I was thinking about him. I wondered if he was there in the same hall with me..

Well anyway..I was thinking la. About everything. Was I doing the right thing for the right thing. Seems like a typo error haha..But its not la. I was trying very hard..to get my friend to come to Jesus..he was in His presence, but I dont think its where Jesus really wants him.. I dont wanna say anything about it la. I'm just gonna pray abt it and everything. Maybe you dont want to come to church with me anymore.

Gab told me once..Love me..Love my Jesus. How true it is. Its so simple, but it holds a lot in it. Love me, Love my Jesus..

She said la, that I was becoming a bit too religious. I was thinking, what is too religious? Its either you're for God or not. There's no such thing as being in between. After that, I did a wrong thing by shying away from speaking about God. Sheng said once too, "why is everything God, God, God to you?" Now I realise, its not me being too religious or too close to Jesus. Its you who are away from God. If you are a christian..Why dont you want to hear His holy name?

I expected...good things to come from people like my parents, Gab, and Sheng. But all I heard is "why are you coming home late", "you're too religious", and shockingly, "shut up about God". I expected, "its great you're getting closer to Jesus. Continue to do more things for Him, continue to flourish and grow in His Church".

Are we worshipping the same God? How come some christians are so proud of their God, but the others are acting as though they're ashamed?

I was also asking God, why why? Why arent they happy for me? They are supposed to be christians. But I've questioned God a time too many. Its time to pick up the cross and follow Him. So far, whether I trusted Him or not, He worked things out for me.

I'm not trying to say this life I have is the life every growing christian should have. No. I'm saying that this is my life. And I'm proud of it.. I'm proud of my Jesus. That I will shout out. If God is for me, who can be against me? Call yourselves christians..Then be proud of your Jesus..You're not too good for Him. You're too little for Him, but He took everything you got to offer Him. And I think that alone is amazing enough.

God is an amazing God..God is a big God..And I'm proud to love Him..to be in His Church every Saturday, and to be in His presence everyday..All I gotta do is trust Him. Why be afraid if your God is a big God.. If God is for you, WHO can be against you.

friday - 21/7/06

This time the account's been hacked for good. All my stuff is gone, plus my money. Everything is probably worth 2 mil. And to me that is a lot. Kill my whole mood for it..Sianz larrrrrrr.

Today is first day of Encounter weekend...I pray tt..Mei will get to know the Lord..N Gab will find her fire again..

Who can teach me how to make webby..Like so cool ... lol ~

Friday - 21/7/06

Today is my 5th day on MC..Thanks to the injection the doctor gave me last night, the pain in my back is gone, and I really thank God for it. I can finally walk and cough without feeling any pain.

This morning, when I woke up, I got a letter...I guessed it was from him. It turned out that it was sent to my neighbour's place, and they thought it was theirs, so they opened it =.= rather clumsily too. The envelope was nearly torn in half.

It was sent out on the 13th.. I saw the date in the letter and the postage. Lol..It took 8 days to get to me..It arrived on the 17th but yeah..Went to my neighbour.

I was surprised at the card...I wonder if it took him very long to find it..or did he chance upon it by coincidence. Because I love the message on it. Felt like it was written for us. ha ha...

There's cell meeting today..I wonder if I am allowed to go..Because my dad's at home..

Didnt pray much these few days. I had spent them sleeping and reading. The fire's almost gone.

Come, Holy Spirit, fall on me now. I need Your anointing, come in Your power. I love You Holy Spirit, You're captivating my soul. And everyday I grow to love You more. I'm reaching for Your heart, You hold my life in Your hands. Drawing me closer to You, I feel Your power renew. Nothing compares to this place, where I can see You face to face. I worship You, in Spirit and in Truth.

Wednesday - 19/7/06

Tried to go to school today, only to sign out after the first two hours. Mei talked to me before school started. She said that A lied to her...About what happened; why he was singled out by the principal..I realised that if what she said was true, then he had lied to me too. What a way to find out this fact.

Today, I got an MC for 3 more days. I regret going to Kao & Tan Medical Clinic cuz it doesnt seem to make me better. It just made me worse. I just pray that I'll be well enough to go for cell meeting and church service.

I dont know what I'm gonna do in the next 2 days. All I've been doing is sleep, and it doesnt seem to do me any good.

Aaron told me that rumour has it that if you relay a message into a seashell, the right person who listens to it will hear it. I wonder if its true. Sheng gave me a super cute Chip and Dale box with a small Dale plush inside. There was one big seashell and 3 middle-sized ones. I like them a lot, tho I'm having trouble finding a place to display them..

Yeah..I guess this is all la..About the encounter thing..Ms Ong alr got Mei to take my place. So I guess..Mei gets to be in an all-christian environment for the first time and gets to go to church on the last day with them. And I get to go for my own cell meeting and service. All's well that ends well.

tuesday - 18/7/06

Okay this is only because I'm bored, its interesting, and Lynn wants me to do it..Lol.

7 random things about myself:
`I love Green Tea
`I love Cola Sour Power
`I'm crazy over Chip and Dale
`Like reading comics
`In love with Basketball [tho I've nvr played before =x]
`I keep treasured stuff in an old shoebox
`CHC rocks my world ~~

7 things that scare me:
`heights
`losing my family/ loved one
`not being able to be at church on time
`being close to high authority
`being late for school
`losing my sense of peace
`having someone break my heart

7 random songs at the moment:
`When you're gone - Matchbox Twenty
`Destiny - CHC
`Take all of me - CHC
`I still - Backstreet Boys
`Ni Na Me Ai Ta - Li Sheng Jie & duno who
`SaRang Hae Yo Zhi Dui Ni Shuo - JJLin
`We Are The Stars

7 things I like most:
`my phone
`my spiritual journal
`my bed
`my bambam
`my zen neeon
`eragon book - christopher paolini
`this computer

7 words/phrases I use the most:
`"Good grief"
`"hahaha.."
`"eh..okay.."
`"orh"
`"hanar hanar"
`"ar bo"
`"praise the Lord!"

7 people to do next:
`Belle [you havent done it yet ~~]
`Lamb [you havent done it either]
`Danielle
`Gaby
`Aaron
`Sheng
`Xiufeng [I dont think she reads this blog tho =x ]

Tuesday - 18/7/06

I wonder if I should say I feel bettter or that I feel worse? I had fever yesterday and its gone today; but I didnt have cough yesterday and have a bad bout today. I gotta call Sis Cat later..About the Encounter thing...Sigh. I hope everything will go fine.

Anyway..I gotta go down to the doctor again later..I need an MC for today too.. Feel so uncomfortable. And there's nothing to do except sleep. And I hate sleeping..I get all these abrupt awakenings and hallucinations. Scary ~

I think...Bryan saw Sis Cat at the airport..When he was sendin off his CGL..

I'm healing. And I just realised Belle and Mike is also Bam =.= =.= =.= for heavens' sake lars..Bryan and Minger's also Bam..lol...

Envious of Belle and Mike.. Bambam no more..yup..End of everything . . . I see no reason..to hang on when all is lost.. Bye baby..Muacks..

monday - 17/7/06

Luther Vandross - I'd Rather

I thought some time alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone
and I tried to find out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you,
than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm,
than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

And then I met someone
and thought she could replace you
we got a long just fine
we wasted time because she was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection
they were all lies,
so I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you,
than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm,
than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I can't blame you if you turn away from me,
like I've done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
please be mine.


I still love you baby..

monday - 17/7/06

Didnt make it to school today. I had fever for the last couple of days and I didnt realise it =.= but thank God I didnt go out yesterday. Didnt go for Encounter briefing either. It was at 1230 but I heard it as 1630. Oh wellz..

I still gotta go back to school later. Wah sianz. I've got Chinese Os Listening Compre..I think its retarded la..Cant I take it on another day, like chinese oral..

But aiyar..have to go anyway..I've got Aaron's entry proof here with me..


bambam ...


oh shit beaver is toking to me on msn. i forgot to block him!

saturday - 15/7/06

I had loads to say just now. But now I'm stumped for words. Lol..

At service today, Dr Che Ahn encouraged us to bring those who needed physical healing tomorrow for service. The first person that came into my mind was my dad. I quickly called him after the service..but he wasnt free. Haiz. He was going to his own church with his mom..Ah well. As long as his gout isnt bothering him.

When I approached him when I got home, he thought I was my sister. And his response was heartbreaking. I felt his discomfort towards her, and I felt her hatred towards him. Are father and daughter supposed to be like this?

Anyway...Today was physical healing. At the end, I was so amazed, so touched, so empowered.

Ms Ong told me to call her asap. I did la, and I ended up getting an earful from her. Said I wasnt responsible and yadda yadda yadda. What am I to say to that? I'm committed to CHC man. I dont want to miss cell and service...But haiz maybe I am irresponsible. I duno. God, God, tell me what to do.

Yisheng was feeling uncomfortable throughout the first part of service. I was feeling so . . . like a failure. I wanted him to come because I knew he was getting distant from God. But in the end..A miracle happened. He raised up his hand to dedicate his life to Jesus. At that moment..All I could do was tug on Belle's jacket sleeve, smile and thank the Lord.

My mom asked if I wanted the Deuter bag I was thinking about. Dan told her. I had really wanted it. But at that moment when she asked me, I said no. I didnt need the bag. Now..I'm really careful with what I buy. I only get what I need not what I want.

I'm going for service tmr with Belle. Its gonna be great.

The incident on last Sunday is starting to fade away. It still hurts of course, but I can feel God giving me a sense of peace. He's prompting me that He's there for me. The lyrics of one song we sang was "You, You are the God who will save". I immediately thought of him. I begged God..to save him. I still wanted him as a friend.

Now, I'm still begging God. Ok la, not begging. Asking. I know God has His own timing. Just wanna trust Him but sometimes its hard.sa

friday - 14/7/06

You wont believe what I've been doing for the past couple of hours. I was trying to make this desktop background for my com and I dont know why but it cant be used as wallpaper =.=

Anyway. Today was ok la..Too bad there isnt any cell. Well. Tomorrow is Saturday. FINALLY. I cant wait to get myself back in church.

I have art tomorrow..Tsk..I hope I can get up early, reach early, so I can leave early. You know girls. They take eons to prepare to go out. Esp to church. Church is very important..Lol.

I wanna go bag shopping because I desperately need a new bag for school.

Gab told me a secret. My mom is getting me a new phone soon. Its supposed to be a surprise la..Like..To cheer me up. From what happened. I was rather moody at home; refused to go out of my room and stuff like that. I'm not that excited about the new phone..I ..I feel bad..To my parents la..Whenever I get into "trouble" or have a problem..They're the ones upset and worried..Happened with Matthew..Now its happening again..

Today's Danielle's birthday..And I wasnt awake for the celebration yesterday night..Didnt get her anything either..I must've broken her heart. I guess I have this mentality that no one's birthday should be celebrated by the family because my family totally disregarded my birthday...

I'm going crazy takin photos with my phone. Sigh. I'm deluded.

Thursday - 13/7/06

Today wasnt too bad. I was still hurting but at least it wasnt as bad as Monday and Tuesday.

I had oral today. Chinese Os.. I did really badly, although the passage was easy.

Ermz..I was thinking la..About what Belle told me last night. She said many things..But the thing that struck me the most..was when she said this.."I know you're feeling bad, but I'm suffering too. You're not alone in this; we're here for you".

I know she didnt mean to make me feel bad by telling me she wasnt feeling good either. But what amazed me..was that even though she was going through the same thing as I am, she was ready for me to go to her when I needed someone.

It made me feel awfully guilty . . . I guess Bryan's right..I only thought of myself. I didnt think about anyone else..How can I be so self-centered?

I was thinking about it the whole of today..And the best thing I can do now..Is to apologize to her on Saturday.

I realised that I have the best possible friends here for me.

Jesus was in her. I could see Him. So is He in Mike and Lamb. They're the best friends a girl like me could ever have. Seriously. I'm not singing their praises to fill up this entry. I feel so indebted to them. They're God's gift to me; one of the most precious yet.

I may not understand God's way now..But I'm sure that with the help of Him n my cell group..Everything will turn out just fine.

I hope..I hope he will also turn to God.


Jesus I will live for You. In everything I do. I'm holding onto You. Always! Always and forever.. And when my world is falling down, in You I will be found. I'm staying in Your arms today! Always! Always and forever..

wednesday - 12/7/06

I had a reasonably good day today...Until I stepped home...Home is now a place of misery for me...I cant wait to get out...And go to church.

And "Great news". Its over. Its done. I hope they're happy now. I got my heart stepped on and destroyed.

Not only is he my crush..But he is also my almost-best friend...He was taken away without an ounce of explanation and understanding. Its not fair to me..Neither it is to him.

I wont talk about this anymore. He's gone for good anyway.

Tuesday - 11/7/06

I asked God for a message. I was really at my wits' end. I was at a loss of what to do...

The song came on..Forever God is faithful..

Forever God is faithful, forever God is strong. Forever God is with us, forever and ever..

God is faithful . . . But I dont understand the things He does. I am where I am because of His truth..N I miss Him..

You have no idea..How much I wanted to be back in church..How much I wanted to leave my house in the middle of the night and look for Belle..

How can they expect me to do everything overnight?! To accept things when you give me everything, and you just take everything away ?!

What do you want me to do right now. Why did it have to be him..I loved him..I really did. I still do...And you knew that perfectly well. But you brought me up high and you let me fall. You say you were there to catch me. But I didnt feel your hands. I just felt the hard ground.

Ni na me ai ta..Wei she mo bu ba ta liu xia.. When he asked me that..I dont know how to answer..God, God, God..Cant you let me feel you when I need you..

I cant wait for Saturday...I cant wait for when I can come in front of Jesus and just pour out everything I have in my heart. I dont need this anguish right now...

monday - 10/7/06

God works in such amazing ways that its strange.

Less than 24 hours ago, I had all I ever wanted. Yes, He answered my prayers. But in less than 12 hours later, He took it all away.

I felt so incredibly ridiculed. I had to do what is the most difficult for me. I didnt have the choice.

I dont know whether to thank God or to hate Him.

The 9th of July. My best and worst day. I felt so incredibly lousy yesterday night and today.

Why did He have to do this. He took away almost everything that spurred me on. Is He breaking me, or is He protecting me...

Sunday - 9/7/06

I didnt blog for the past two days. Hmm. There was cell on Friday, which was excellent. It was fun and I learnt a lot too.

There was an activity before church yesterday at 2pm. I arrived late cuz I had art before that. Well yar..It was fun la but very tiring. Was 40 mins late for service and missed the songs =(

I procrastinated doing my homework until today, because I didnt intend to go for prayer meeting. Sis Cat didnt expect me to turn up anyway. But Bryan wanted someone to accompany him for the morning service, so I went. Turned up for prayer meeting too. So fun -!

Service was great la. Everything was great. Because..Well..It was the atomsphere. And I've decided to stay away from people who can only disadvantage me. Its a very hard decision la..But..I guess I have no choice.

I'm caught in a huge dilemma. I have an Encounter Weekend to attend next next weekend at FCBC. I've talked to Sis Cat about it, and she says to commit to one church only, and to make a choice. I'd really rather go for City Harvest service. Really. But I know if I dont go for the encounter . . . Ms Ong will be really mad with me. But at the same time if I dont go for CHC service, Sis Cat would get upset too. Sigh ~

I've just realised that I've spent three whole days with CHC. First was Cell, then it was Service, then it was another Service and Prayer Meeting. Cool ~

I havent done my homework yet.

I guess its little sleep for me tonight.

Friday - 7/7/06

Wish God was real. As in, physically. Then He could be there to listen to us and give us advice when we're troubled or sad. Then maybe we could sit on His lap and talk to Him about what happened. Cry in His arms when we're upset.

I'm day-dreaming lol..

But seriously ... How wonderful it would be. Then no one would be alone.

Thursday - 6/7/06

Today was . . . cool. Yup. I wanted to play RO for awhile before having a really early night, then Meiling asked me to accompany her to her new hse cuz, well, it was kind of dangerous lah. So I went ~

After that we went to walk ard. People's park, OG, Tiong Plaza.. There were like, a lot of cheap comics at People's park but all chinese =.= I'm tempted to buy though~

Hmm. Yup. We talked a lot. It was great fun. We were crossin the road to get the busstop when we saw Belle in her dad's car with her parents. We were right beside it but she didnt see us lol..

She's going to Japan lar ~ Haiz so sad. Lol. I hope she isnt going for too long.. We will miss her a lot. Lol.

Sianz. Its alr 7 plus..So much for sleeping early. I'm gonna go RO for awhile before calling it a day. There's not much homework anyway ~

Well..Ta ta..

Thursday - 6/7/06

Hahaz..Guess where I am again. I'm in the com lab, and I'm supposed to be listening to some oral thing, but I'm listening and watching last Sunday's CHC service. Nice nice.

Yeah ~~ tomorrow maybe, MAYBE gonna watch Superman or play pool or wad. And after that its CELL~!

hahaz..Then on Saturday its church yeah ~~ And Sunday its ermz..sleep and play. Lol. And of cos do homework lah..lol dun worry ~

And France won Portugal 1-0 I think? I'm not too sure. Blah..I only have half an hour more to blog n sutff like that. I wanna go back to church la ~~

Anyway, things are going well in school I expect. Hmm. A bit of stress here and there, but I'm not really feeling the drive towards studies. I mean I do want to do well, but I lack the fire to. I duno why, but I just cant devote all my time and energy on more than one thing. I mean, church and cell is zapping me of my energy but at the same time replenishing it. Ironical huh? But well..God is my life and I guess right now..I should also be glorifying Him with studies too, yea?

Sigh right now I'm not only having problems with A, I'm having problems with B too. We kind of . . . fell out la..after some incident..I really duno what to do. I mean, I wanna talk to her and make her see what is right and wrong in the eyes of God but some things are really unacceptable, or "impossible" to change. Duno lahz..I really nid some direction nw.

Ermz..Okie..I gotta go now. I think the bell's gonna ring soon. Ta ~

OH AND AARON BOUGHT THE ERAGON BOOK FOR ME! WEE ~~

Wednesday - 5/7/06

Today was a very significant part of this month.

I went with Aaron and Shumei to Queensway Shopping Centre cuz Aaron wanted to get his Germany jersey [which is very very nice]. So we followed him lah..He found it after a long, hard search, but it was more expensive than expected. Mei and I couldnt help him cuz we didnt have the cash at hand, so I'm going back with him tomorrow ~




Aaron got me in love with Michael Ballack LOL..He's so cute. --->





Hmm well, when we went to sit down for awhile at MacDonald's, I received a call from Sis Cat, our cell leader..There was a last min discipleship meeting at Tiong Bahru Park at 6pm. It was a bit impromptu for me la cuz it was alr 5pm. I didnt want to go la, honestly speaking. But I'm glad I got my priorities right and went.

The message tonight was excellent. I gained a whole lot of interesting insights. And well, I learnt how to set myself right with God.

After that, I stayed a while to help Meiling with some stuff. It helped me a lot physically [ha-ha] and emotionally. I got to see a different side of the world. A different side from my world. I'd wanted to request for some money from my mom to either shop or buy this Deuter bag I liked a lot. But now...I'd rather they keep the money for other uses. I dont need that bag or those clothes anyway.

Today's incident ... has thought me to treasure what I have, and use what God has given me to help His children. Yup. And I think it is something very valuable.

Tuesday - 4/7/06

Oh wellz. For those who visited my blog from last night till now, you would've noticed that the skin was a bit wrong. Well, not a bit..Half of it was screwed up.

Spent a whole lot of time trying to find a nice skin, and I succeeded? Like my skin? Lol. I love it ~

Erms anyway I saw my friend A today.. I tried to show him that all was well by smiling at him, but he kept avoiding eye contact with me. I think Aaron could hear my heart breaking (U)

Well anyway..I was thinking about that incident long and hard all day. Should I, or should I not? Aaron said I shouldn't, and just wait and see.

And I all thumbs at handling friendships/relationships? Ah well. I'll see how things go.


When I try to help, I end up spoiling everything. I'm so sorry. I hope that everything will be fine soon ~

Monday - 3/7/06

I have been doing quite a lot of thinking.

These few days I have a little something going on with my friend. I dont want to use his real name so I'll just call him A.

Erms well..We talked on the phone a few times in this period of time. We were extremely close friends a few months ago, but something happened that kind of tore us apart. Well..He said I changed. And I figured..that was okay, because people change, its a matter of whether you change for the better.

Then I thought..Did I change for the worst?

I realised at different periods of time, I'm always focusing on only ONE thing. Like, family, friends or boyfriends. And right now, all I'm focusing on is God.

Belle told me a story, that illustrated that once you get right with God, you get right with the world. I thought that all you gotta focus on is God and everything will be alright. Because He never fails. But I forgot one thing. Although He never fails, we do.

God only guides us. He lets us walk our life journey physically alone, with the choice to have Him there spiritually or not.

I'm forgetting about everything else. I thought God was all that mattered in this world. But today..made me realise how wrong I was. I sabotaged my own relationships. I let my emotions lead my life for me. I let me lead my life for me.

Living right for God..I was doing it all wrong. I didnt care about other stuff like maintaining relationships. All I cared about was to give people the impression that I was a true follower of Jesus.

A said I only talked to him because of church. And that struck me. Did I only care about other's spiritual growth, and totally neglect their mental and emotional growth?

I got into a fight with A again, this afternoon. Sigh. I guess I'm not handling things too well, eh?..

I wanna say I'm sorry. But thats the hardest thing to do. I dont know how to do it. My pride and ego is bringing me down further every minute.

I must remember..That God put people on earth for a reason.

Sunday - 2/7/06

I dont know how to feel, or what to say.

My dad has been a respectable person to me since I learned how to walk and talk. He was only respectable because I spent my whole life being afraid of him.

It may be weird, since he gave me a whole lot of freedom since Sec 1. I could go out anytime I wanted, unless there was a family event or emergency. And now, he just takes it all away. And he expects us to accept it, adapt to it, and stick to it.

Are we not people with our own feelings and desires? The only reason I stay out late is because of church and friends. I get the feeling that he's suggesting my friends are "no good". Am I not 17 this year? I'm already going on to 18. Am I only looked at as someone who can think and look out for herself when I'm 30, married with kids?

Our whole family are the "shou hai zhe"s whenever he is in a bad mood. We become his punching bag.

Give me and the people I spend time with some credit. You dont seem happy that I'm gradually getting closer to God by the day. But as I'm getting closer to God, I'm getting further away from you. Is that the way things are supposed to be?

You are the man that I love the most in my entire life. So how come..we only communicate through sms or written letters? Dont you think its so sad?

I have thank you notes to you all over my space. How come I'm afraid to give them to you? I guess they wont be appreciated anyway.

But still..Dads will always be the man of your life [besides your husband] no matter what happens. Yeah, contradiction. Thats what I'm best at anyway.


I spent the day at Belle's. We surfed the net, talked on msn and playing games. It was really fun. I really missed spending the day like that. It seems like you have the most fun even if you dont spend money, because you've got your friends.

I thank God la. Everything that He has given me is never compromised on quality.

Sunday - 2/7/06

Your colour is red, the colour of racy sports cars, blushing cheeks, and luscious roses. Red symbolises passion, romance, and love. So, since you're ruled by red, you probably trust your feelings more than your brain and tend to act spontaneously. If you see something you want, you go for it without thinking twice -- impulsive is your middle name. You don't wait around for people to make decisions, either; you dive right in. Quite the romantic, you pay close attention to your emotions. In fact, if your heart isn't in what you're doing, you won't be satisfied. Of course, even when you do pour all your energy into the projects you tackle, your impetuous nature means your passions can shift as frequently as the wind. That's why some reds have trouble with commitment. Our advice? Next time you're feeling fickle, think before you act, if possible. You might be surprised at the results. Overall, though, it's great to be red. No one lives life more completely than you do.


My colour's red, baby. Hey, wait. I'm impulsive?? hahaa..Whats that supposed to mean. I always thought of myself as a composed person. You know, more of a take-my-time thinker. Thats why I dont catch jokes that fast because I need to think it over. I dont want to make a fool out of myself by laughing when its not the punchline. Ah heck, what am I talking about.

Perhaps I'll blog later too. I'm going to Belle's house in a few minutes. Have to wait for her to finish bathing first =.=

RO later! Yeah baby!

Saturday - 1/7/06

This morning was the worst morning of my entire life. You cant imagine how lousy I felt.

First, I went for art. Then my dad came with my sister after Mdm Lim told her to come down. Then I got scolded because my dad was talking to me and I couldnt understand what he was saying. Then my art teacher cried in front of us because we were really pissing her off by not taking her and our work seriously. To make things worse, I was harassed by a pervert. I wanted to cry.

And my supposedly "best friend" had suddenly turned her back to me and openly whispered here and there because I was there, and whatever she had to say obviously wasnt meant for my ears. But I didnt really care because I really dont think there's anything to hide between best friends, if thats what we still are. Yeah, okay, I was offended by it.

I went home and when I boarded the bus, I realised that my EZ Link expired so I couldnt take the bus or MRT home. I was so unlucky. So I did the next best thing: I walked home from Queensway Shopping Centre. Dont ever try it. My feet hurt like mad by the time I reached home. And I quarrelled with my friend on the phone when I was walkin home. I called my dad to pick me up but he didnt answer his phone.

When I finally got home, I got an earful for not having enough sense to take a taxi home, and someone would go down and pay for me. But my younger sister once did that and she got a scolding because the fare was a tidy sum. Did you think I would've dared to do that in future?

But things got better when I came home. I was so afraid I would be late for church, but now, I have enough time to get there without being too late. Lunch was superb too. And to top it off, my friend finally agreed to come with me to church. Praise the Lord.

Service was . . . Well, there's only one word to describe it: Amazing.

I loved every minute of it. At first my friend was a little sian, and that killed my mood a little. But I didnt let it get in my way of praising the Lord. I looked at the others for encouragement. The sermon was great. Everything was great. Everyone around me was truly worshipping God, and that only made me feel His presence.

Then I went for dinner with erms..Mike, Belle, Lamb, Michelle Mok, Samuel, Wendy and Yew Tee or wad lol. I think his real name is Yew Hui or something. Yeah we eat at the food court at the Airport.

Mike, Belle, Lamb and I stayed longer than the other four. We talked about . . . well, pasts and stuff. There was this conversation about hair lol..I laughed myself sick. I'm surprised I didnt throw up. I think I really have six pac alr hahhaa. Nola, joking. It was really funny and gross la.

I wish my dad allows me to have my own set of keys. If not, I have to announce to the whole household when I'm home. Sometimes my grandma has to wait up for me, and that makes me feel really guilty.

Wow long entry =.= Erms..Okay..I'm going to Belle's place tomorrow haha.. To talk, catch up on old times. When we went home together, just the both of us, we had so many things to talk about. And it was fun. Made me realise when you look for friends, look for people you can have nice, clean fun with, people you can confide with, people you're comfortable with, and people you grow with.

I guess that is one os the benefits of God bringing me to CHC. I found almost everything I have been looking for. A great church, and great friends. What more can a girl like me ask for?

Saturday - 1/7/06

Its the 1st of July. Blarh. Sianz.

Its 2am but I'm still online talking and on the phone too ~ I have art tomorrow at 0930.. Then its church! Yeah ~

I hope Yisheng and his friend is going. I pray, pray, pray that he will.

You know, all my life I've been told to choose your friends. So yeah. I didnt understand it. I thought..You'd have to be an idiot to choose your friends. I mean, like I thought you gotta appreciate everyone who comes along.

But these few days I realised the true meaning of making good friends. And those friends will be the ones who will be there when you fall ... and they wont pick you up but let you get up yourself..hahaz. Now thats what I call true friends. They wont harm you or put you down or vent their anger on you or what.

Yeah ~

Well Praise the Lord I realised the true meaning of friends before it was too late.